The End Is Where We Begin
by pynki616
Summary: Kate and Rick realize some things and decide they really need to talk.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I had this story idea a little while back, and then found the perfect title. The End is Where We Begin. It's actually the album title for Thousand Foot Krutch's new cd, so I can't take credit for coming up with that. And then I heard the title track of that album, and I HAD to use some lyrics because they are practically PERFECT for our favorite crime-fighting duo. So, credit for the story title and the lyrics at the beginning goes to TFK. Go check them out, awesome band. Anyways, this story takes place directly after The Limey, with potential spoilers for anything through that episode. Hope you all like it. :)

_The end is where we begin,_

_it's crawling back, when, we run away run away_

_'cuz the end is where we begin,_

_where broken hearts, mend, and start to beat again,_

_the end is where we begin._

Richard Castle regrets the words almost as soon as they leave his mouth. Sure, Jacinda is fun, and uncomplicated. And he has been enjoying spending time with her. Kinda. She might be fun and uncomplicated, but she's also a little on the, *ahem*, ditzy side. He can't really talk to her about anything real, anything past knee deep. And here he is, headed down to meet her again, probably to go have a drink and a lively debate about the pros and cons of owning a labradoodle. Crap, he's not in the mood for this, especially since he can't get that look on Kate's face out of his mind. He really shouldn't have said that. It was a low blow, and as angry at her as he is, deep down he really doesn't want to hurt her.

Castle exits the precinct and scans the street, looking for his car. He spots it across the street, half a block or so away. Jacinda is talking to a uniform, apparently trying to charm her way out of a parking ticket. Castle rolls his eyes, a gesture he picked up from HER, and makes his way down the sidewalk.

"Oh, there he is. Ricky, tell this nice officer that you work with the police…"

"Hey, Castle," the officer interrupts, reaching out his hand.

"Hey, Carl. How's the wife?"

"Good as she can be, I guess. Ready to have that baby, already. Hey, sorry for the inconvenience, I was just telling Jacinda here that she shouldn't park here. But I'll let it slide, this time. See ya around, Ricky," Carl smirks, turning around to head towards the precinct. Castle groans inwardly. He's probably going to be hearing "Ricky" from all the unis at crime scenes for the next month. He leans against the car, trying to think of a way out of this date.

"Ready to go, Ricky? I have to leave at midnight for the red eye to Las Vegas, but I do have my hotel room for the evening…" she trails off, winking and running her finger down his chest. He's about to suggest that they just go to the Haunt for a drink when he notices Mr. Scotland Yard exiting the precinct, phone held to his ear. Hunt hails a cab, opens the door, but doesn't get in. He leans in to tell the cabby something, and as Castle watches, Kate walks up beside Hunt, touches his arm, and gets in the cab. Hunt gets in after her, and they take off. Well, if he ever needed proof that his feeling weren't reciprocated….

"You know what, Jace? I have a better idea."

XXXXXXXXXX

Kate sits in the cab with Hunt, and he can't help but notice when she spots Castle and the blonde, how she tries to mask the flash of pain with an eye-roll. "Trouble with Castle?" he asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Is it that obvious?" she replies with a wince. He gives her an "are you kidding me?" look.

"A blind man could see it. I've been watching you give each other these pained looks for the last three days. Doesn't take a genius to figure out something's up, even if that genius doesn't know you well." Kate bites her lip, turns away to watch the sidewalks bustling with pedestrians all on their way somewhere, unaware that the world was turning upside down. "If you don't want to talk about it, I'll drop it. Just thought hey, I'm a guy. He's a guy. Maybe I could give a little perspective." Hunt presses, not wanting to pry but feeling an urge to help if he can. Damsel in distress, and all that.

"No, it's not that. I just, I want to wait until we get where we're going. It's kind of a long story. You sure you wanna hear the whole thing?" Kate turns to meet his eyes, trying to determine if he really wanted to help or if he was just trying to pick her up.

"I'm not in the habit of making offers I don't mean, or hitting on a woman who so obviously wants someone else," Hunt raises an eyebrow at her. Kate looked down at her lap, blushing slightly. Oops… Caught. He's a little too intuitive, apparently. Lucky for her, the cabby chose that moment to pull over at their destination.

They end up in the corner booth of the dark bar, the perfect spot for a lengthy private conversation. Kate gave Hunt the slightly abridged version of the story, starting at the beginning and ending with the recent behavior change. A little surprised at herself for telling him all she had, she sits and watches him digest it all. It's so much easier, spilling her guts to a stranger, but man, he must think she's so messed up.

"So, he loves you, and you know this, but he doesn't know you know? And you love him back, but are too scared to tell him. When, again, did this 'jackass' behavior start?"

"Um, about two weeks ago? During the bombing case. That's part of what confuses me. It was that case that finally gave me the push to tell him, but then he starts with these cold looks, starts blowing me off," Kate stares at her hands, picks at a hangnail.

"So think back. When, exactly, did you first notice the change?" Hunt asks. Kate closes her eyes, tips her head back in thought. Suddenly her head snaps down, wide eyes meeting his.

"It was after I had interrogated our first suspect. I came out, found a coffee on my desk, but Castle was gone. When he came back, he was different. But, why? What could have happened while he was out that…" she trails off, replays the day in her mind. "Oh…" her hand drifts up to cover her mouth. "NOT while he was out. Damnit. He heard me. He had to have heard me. What else could it be?"

"Heard you what, Kate? What did he hear?" Hunt interrupts, leaning forward to get her attention.

"He knows. He knows I know. He heard me tell Bobby that I remembered my shooting. _**Every second of it**_. Damnit! That wasn't how… Sorry, Colin, I've got to go! I need to explain…" She gets up, grabs her coat, in too much of a hurry to bother putting it on.

"Go, Kate. Fight for him. Call me if you need some sense knocked into him, ok?" Kate stops, touches his arm briefly.

"Thanks, Colin. I owe you one," she replies, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before turning and running out to get a cab.

"No problem, Kate. It's always my pleasure to send beautiful women running into another mans arms…" Colin mumbles to the empty booth in front of him. Oh, well. His flight leaves in a couple hours, anyway. He flags down the waiter for one last drink before heading home.

XXXXXXXXXX

Castle sits in his office chair, chin resting on his right fist, the fingers of his left hand tapping arrhythmically on the desk. How did everything get so messed up? His "better idea" to bring Jacinda back to the loft had backfired royally. It started out fine, although she got a little handsy in the elevator. He wasn't ready for that, not yet. He needed a little buzz going before he would be able to take her to bed without imagining she was someone else. Someone taller, with darker hair. So when they got here, he instructed her to sit on a bar stool while he went and raided the alcohol cabinet he kept locked up in the office, away from his mother.

Only, she didn't stay put. Jacinda followed him in and practically attacked him, threw herself on him so they lost their balance, stumbled into the desk. With her latched onto his neck, he fell backwards on to the desk, hands behind him to make sure they didn't go down. His left hand came down on the remote to the smartboard, lighting it up.

Seeing the picture of Kate in the middle of it, Castle was jolted back into reality. Any flicker of desire (what little there was) fizzled out, and he deflated, pulling away from Jacinda. She turned and saw what had captured his attention, and stiffened. Her tirade that followed was a little bit of a blur to Castle; he wasn't really paying attention. Something about "flaunting his rebound girl" and "jackass" with a few more four letter words thrown in. He only broke out of his haze at the sound of the door slamming.

That was an hour ago, and he hasn't moved from his chair since he plopped into it after Jacinda was gone. As he sits there, he takes the time to think, and really *analyze* the situation, something he's been too busy acting like a jerk to do. One of the first realizations that dawn on him is the he's no better than she is. Yeah, she was keeping a secret, but he has one too. He's been digging into her mothers case. Without her knowledge. In Kate's book, that's a pretty heavy betrayal.

And then, as he went through the arguments for *why* he kept it from her, another thing popped into his mind. He had assumed her silence meant she didn't return his feelings. But what if she had other reasons? As he thinks back over the months since he returned to the precinct, he tries to remember how she was. The more he remembers, all the glances and finger brushes and bright, wide smiles, he decides there's no way he imagined ALL of that. What if…? What if she DID return his feelings, but wasn't ready to deal with them yet? He thought recently that he must have misunderstood that conversation on the swings. But if he didn't? It's almost too painful to consider.

And he has been such a complete jerk to her for the last two weeks! She must think the worst of him right now. And oh, she had seemed so… hesitant, almost vulnerable, back during that bombing case. Almost like she… Oh, crap. She was going to make a move, wasn't she? And he ruined it, blew her off. How did he screw this up so badly?

Castle stands up, paces the office. He's gotta do something. He's gotta come clean. She deserves that much, even if it means the end of them. That thought sends an arrow of pain through his chest. But he's resolved, now. He has to tell her. He picks up his phone, types out a text and hits send before he can change his mind.

-Can you come to the loft? We need to talk. Please…- His phone chimes with a response faster than he expects.

-I'm on my way up. Go open the door-

AN: Reviews might just make my day... Lemme know what you think?


	2. Chapter 2

Castle startles out of his chair. She's already here? He makes his way to the door, tripping over his shoes that he doesn't remember leaving there. When he gets to the door, he checks through the peephole and sure enough, there's Kate, fidgeting on the other side. Wait, fidgeting? Since when does Beckett fidget? He opens the door, and for a few seconds, they just stand there, watching each other.

"You gonna let me in?" Kate asks, and Castle notices that she sounds almost… nervous. Nervous about what?

"Yeah, yeah. Come on in. You, uh, want something to drink?"

"Just water, please," Kate replies. Not sure what to do with herself, she follows him into the kitchen, leans against the counter as he gets her a glass. He gets two, fills them from the Brita and hands one to her.

"Shall we?" He gestures to the living room, and she follows him to the couch. They sit with a good amount of distance between them, an awkward silence that neither wants to break falling between them. Finally, they decide to break it at the same time.

"So what did…"

"I just wanted to…"

They stop and look at each other, a hint of amusement in their eyes.

"You first."

"Go ahead."

They both laugh, the tension letting up just a little.

"Alright, Castle. You texted me saying you wanted to talk. You start," Kate says, gesturing to him to go ahead.

"Ok. Fair enough. First of all, I wanted to apologize for my behavior these last two weeks. I know, Kate. I heard you tell Bobby that you remember your shooting. It hurt, to know that you had been lying to me, and I assumed it was because you were embarrassed, that you didn't return my feelings."

"Rick, I'm sor…" Kate tries to interrupt, but Castle holds up a hand, stopping her.

"Let me get this out, please. I acted like a jerk, and even if you didn't return my feelings, you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry." Kate stays quiet, but nods her head, accepting the apology. Castle takes a deep breath before continuing. "I also realized tonight, Kate, that I'm no better. I've been keeping something from you, too."

_WHAT? _"What? What are you…" Kate tries to spit out, mind spinning. What could he be hiding? What could be big enough to cause that trepidation she sees in his eyes, that fear.

"Maybe I'd better just show you," Castle says, standing and offering his hand to help her up. She takes it, and even in the tension of this moment, she feels the electricity, the _spark_ produced by the contact of their skin. He leads her to his office, closes the door. She stops and watches him walk to his desk. He picks up the remote and hands it to her.

Kate takes a deep breath before clicking the button. She has an inkling of what the board might show, and she is proven right as the screen lights up. Her face in the middle, all the pieces of her moms case spread around it. HER moms case, the one she's been trying so hard to let go of, and he's been poking into it all along.

"Castle…" She closes her eyes, takes a calming breath before turning to him. "Castle, this has to stop." She walks over to him, puts a hand on his cheek. "You can't do this anymore. Do you understand?"

"You… You're not mad?" Castle asks, putting his hand over hers on his face. She jerks her hand away and stalks to the board before spinning around and glaring at him.

"Of course I'm mad, Castle! I'm pissed! You went behind my back, kept new information from me!"

"I only did it to pro…" Castle tries to defend himself before Kate continues her rant.

"I know why you did it! But did you think that dying to solve this would actually help me? What's the point in solving it if you die trying? THAT"S what makes me furious. You have a daughter, Rick. You wanna make her fatherless for this? Make your mother bury her only child?" She softens just a little as she walks closer to him, lowers her voice. "Make me go without my partner? My best friend? My…" She trails off, looking down at the floor.

"Your what, Kate?" He asks quietly, using a finger under her chin to raise her face up so he could see her eyes. She inhales shakily before taking a different route.

"Did you know I've still been in therapy, Castle? Dr. Burke and I, we talk about you," she admits, noticing the surprise in his eyes.

"You do?"

"Yes, Castle. We do. Wanna know why?" He nods his head silently. "He's been trying to help me move on. Let this case go, so I can be whole again. Have a real life. A life with you, Rick."

"A life…. With me?" He swallows, disbelief evident in his expression.

"With you. Because you are more important to me than a 13 year old cold case. Yes, it's my moms case, and yes, solving it might bring me closure, but at what cost? My life? _Your_ life? Not worth it, Castle. It's not going to bring her back, I know that. And I'm realizing that she would want me happy. She would have loved you, I'm sure." She pauses, taking both of his hands in both of hers. "Do I sound like a woman embarrassed by your feelings, Rick? Like I don't feel the same way?"

"Is…" He starts, then realizes he needs to clear his throat. "Is that a rhetorical question?" He asks. She arches an eyebrow. "Ok, no, it's not. Then, no, Kate. That's not what it sounds like at all. I'm sorry for…" She shushes him with a finger on his lips.

"Enough apologies for tonight, Rick. We both messed up, ok? Not the first time, won't be the last. It might take a little while, but we'll get over it. Together," she drops his hands, wraps her arms around his waist. Castles arms find there way around her shoulders, holding her close.

"I'm so glad we got this all sorted out, Kate," he mumbles into her hair. "I though for sure we were done after this, that I'd screwed it up beyond repair."

"No, Castle. I love you too much to let you screw us up," Kate replies. She feels him tense up a little. Oh, she said that out loud? Hmm. Not as hard as she thought it would be. If anything, it was way easier. Natural. She tightened her grip on him before slipping out of his embrace. "Now, Castle. No more investigating?" He nods confirmation. "Ok. Then do what you have to do to get this _off_ your board, then meet me on the couch. We can start on things we should have been doing for the last couple of years or so," she gives him a wink and a smirk before flitting (yes, flitting. That's how light she feels right now…) out of his office.

XXXXXXXXXX

Castle stands by his desk for a good 30 seconds, dumbfounded. What we should have been... What exactly does she mean by that? And did she really just say, _out loud_, that she _loves_ him? His heartbeat speeds up at the thought. Then he snaps out of it, realizes that she's out in the living room, on his couch, waiting for him so they can...? He jumps into action, grabbing a flashdrive and clearing it. He saved the contents of the board onto it and locks it into his safe, just in case. They might need it, someday. He stares at the board for a moment, then deletes it. With the case gone, the outline for Nikki Heat pops up. Satisfied, he makes his way out of the office.

Once in the living room, he spots Kate right where she said she would be, on the couch, under a blanket. She has two glasses of wine sitting on the table, a bowl of kettle corn in her lap, and the universal remote in her hand. He stops and stares for a minute. Well, she works fast. "I thought we were..." Castle starts, but decides against finishing that sentence. She shoots him an amused look.

"Thought we were what, Castle? Never mind, don't answer that," she says when he gives her a leer. "Princess Bride. Classic. Come cuddle with me, Castle," she pats the couch next to her. Cuddle? With Kate? Don't mind if I do. He settles next to her, unsure of how close she wants him to be. She answers for him by snuggling in close to his side, grabbing his arm and putting it around her shoulders.

They get about half way through the movie, wine drained, kernels left in the bowl, before Castle notices a quiet snore. He looks down, in awe. Kate is sleeping, actually snoring (and drooling just a little, but he'll never tell...), on his chest.

He's not quite sure what to do about this situation. It's late enough that he doesn't want to wake her up and send her home. He doesn't think he could, anyway. He could carry her up to the guest room, but he's so tired he doesn't trust himself to get up the stairs without dropping her. The couch is comfortable, but if his mother comes home in the wee hours, which are fast approaching, Kate would be woken up.

Only one option left. He moves her ever so carefully, arranging her so he can pick her up without jolting her awake. Before picking her up, he shuts the entertainment system down, takes care of their dishes, and locks up. Standing by the couch once more, he allows himself a minute to watch her sleep. Beautiful. He bends down, gingerly picks her up, and makes his way to his room.

Castle carefully lays her down on his bed and removes her shoes. He doesn't want to disturb her, so instead of trying to get her under the covers, he grabs a blanket from a chair and settles it over her. He then climbs onto the bed with her, spooning up behind her with an arm around her waist. She burrows in, sighs as she grabs his hand and pulls it up to her face.

"Love you..." she mumbles sleepily. Castle practically melts right on the spot. He LOVES sleepy Kate.

"Love you, too," he whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She sighs again, and Castle falls asleep with a smile lighting up his face.

AN: Thanks to all of you who alerted/favorited/reviewed this story! I learned something important. Reviews really do make my day! :) Not sure if I should continue this or leave it as it is. I'll leave it open for now, but I may mark it complete if I can't think of where to take it from here. Review and let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry this has taken so long. Inspiration left me for a while, and I've been a little obsessed with reading post-Always fics. Especially 100 Days of Summer, by Chezchuckles and SC, Redamancy by Bexiboo900, and Insights by TashaLaw. Check them out for some good reading, if you haven't already!

The first thing that registers on Kate's mind as she is unwillingly pulled from an amazing dream featuring Castle and his very skilled hands is warmth. She doesn't usually wake up so warm; in fact, she's usually curled up under a pile of blankets and still a little chilly. The second thing she notices is that even with her eyes closed, it's bright. That's not normal, as she usually has her darkening blinds closed to keep it dark on the off chance that she gets to sleep in past 5.

Keeping her eyes closed, Kate tries to stretch. That's when the third thing hits her. She's not alone. And the person in her bed with her is not only close, but has his arm wrapped possessively around her waist. Her eyes pop open to find an unfamiliar room. Oh. So, not her bed. No headache, so she knows she didn't get drunk and go home with someone. That behavior ended years ago, anyway. She takes a deep breath, and the familiar scent of Castle fills her nose. Memories flood her brain then, memories of an argument, feelings shared, and cuddling on the couch. _Oh_. Does that mean her dream… wasn't really a dream? She glances down, and feels a rush of relief mixed with disappointment. Just a dream.

"You're thinking way too loudly for how early it is," Castle mumbles sleepily, tightening his arm around her as he stretches. When he loosens it, Kate turns to face him. She takes in his sleep-mussed hair and bright blue eyes, squinting to block some of the brightness. How is it possible for someone to be so adorable when they just woke up? She reaches out, rests her hand on his neck and brushes his jaw with her thumb.

"Just thinking of how gentlemanly you were last night, to not take advantage of my alcohol loosened and emotionally vulnerable state," she replies, giving him a little smile to reassure him that she really didn't think he would. Although, given her disappointment at finding them fully clothed, it probably wouldn't have been classified as "taking advantage of."

"Nah," he says with a smirk. "I'll save that for the second date."

"Second date? Were you counting last night as the first?"

"Oh, not at all. But the first date has dibs on the awkward first kiss," he replies with a little waggle of his eyebrows. Then his face gets more serious, and he continues. "Honestly, Kate, I'm scared to death of screwing this up. Now, I'm not trying to freak you out, or anything, but I want you to know where I stand. If I have my way, this is it. The last first date, last first kiss, last first everything. I just want to take our time, do this right."

Kate stares at him for a minute, her heart pounding in her chest. To her surprise, his words don't freak her out. She doesn't have the urge to run, put as much distance between them as she can. To her, that alone is a sign that this is right, that this is where she's supposed to be. Had Josh said something like that after 9 months of dating, she would have flipped. She realizes that he's staring at her, waiting for a reaction to what he said.

"Kate? Too soon?" Castle asks, a worried look on his face.

"No! I mean, when you put it like that, I really should be kind of freaking out a little. But, I'm not, Castle. I actually think it's sweet, and I… I feel the same way," Kate admits. She looks away, a little embarrassed at having admitted to something so… mushy. "Jeez, Castle, are you always this sappy in the morning?"

Castle cocks his head, an exaggerated thoughtful expression on his face. "Huh. Not usually. Must be waking up with you that does it to me."

"Ugh, don't tell me we're going to be *that* couple," Kate groans, rolling her eyes. Before he can reply, her phone rings from her jacket in the other room. She reluctantly rolls out from under Castle's arm, ignoring his protests with a smile and a pat on his cheek. "Duty calls, Castle." With one last look over her shoulder, she leaves to retrieve her phone.

XXXXXXXXXX

Kate might not be freaking out, but Castle totally is. He just told Kate _freaking _Beckett that she was it for him, and she was ok with it. Not only was she ok with it, she _feels the same way. _Castle pinches his arm to make sure he's not dreaming. Ouch. So, not a dream. He's about to burrow back under the blanket when Kate comes striding in, searching for her shoes. "Get up, lazy! Got a case," she says as she walks past the bed, swatting at his feet.

"Five more minutes…" Castle whines, reaching his arm out for her.

"Nope. As tempting as that is, I have to swing by my apartment, change clothes."

"Oh, can I watch?" He asks as he sits up, giving her a look. She gives him a look right back, only hers is a glare. Somehow, it's not as effective when her lips are trying so hard to not smile.

"In your dreams. Now get up, we have to go." She turns away, heads for the door.

"In my dreams I get to do a whole lot more than watch!" He yells after her retreating form. She looks over her shoulder, and he catches the end of her eye-roll.

"Five minutes," is all she says in return, but he sees the little smirk as she turns away. Tease. He jumps up to get ready, not wanting to keep her waiting. Bathroom routine shortened, clean clothes thrown on slightly haphazardly, Castle is ready to roll in four minutes. He leaves his room to find her waiting by the door, a plate of toast covered in Nutella in her hand for them to eat on the road. He smiles, struck by the domesticity of what he sees. "Ready, Castle?" she asks.

"Almost," he replies. He slips on his shoes, grabs his jacket, and gives her a kiss on the cheek as he opens the door. "Now I'm ready." They walk down the hall, headed to their first crime scene as a couple. As Castle places his hand on her lower back, he thinks he could really get used to this waking up and leaving together stuff. Then another thought hits him.

"Hey. What are we gonna tell the boys?"


End file.
